A butler opens the door of the large Sesame Street brownstone and guides me to the parlor. Big Bird is sitting on a large couch, wearing a silk smoking jacket, holding a bourbon and enjoying a drag on what appears to be an unfiltered Camel cigarette.
Purcell: Thank you for agreeing to my interview request, Big Bird, but I am shocked to see you drinking and smoking. I thought you were only 6.
Big Bird: I’m a character actor, man. Forty years ago, I took the only role a tall, yellow lark could find. When I’m off the set, it’s party time.
Purcell: You’ve been in the news lately. Mitt Romney said he’d cut your public funding. President Obama used you in a political ad to attack Romney. What are your thoughts on this turn of events?
Big Bird: It’s regrettable, man. We’re about promoting literacy to kids through entertainment, not politics.
Purcell: But you receive taxpayer funds to air your show. The Christian Science Monitor says Sesame Workshop, the production company that produces your show, generates a whopping $130 million in annual revenue, yet still accepts $10 million in government support.
Big Bird: Perhaps we could get by fine without government money, but “Sesame Street” is small potatoes. Of the $445 million in annual public television subsidies, about half goes to small stations in rural areas that otherwise might lack the resources to stay on the air.
Purcell: Look, Big Bird, when President Johnson established public television in the ‘60s, there were only three broadcast networks. Today, there are hundreds of channels to choose from on broadcast, cable, satellite and the Internet. Does it make sense for the government to be in the public television business?
Big Bird: Perhaps not, but you can’t deny that the Public Broadcasting System (PBS) has done some stellar work over the years that you haven’t seen on other channels.
Purcell: Fair enough. WQED’s news shows and documentaries do a tremendous job examining Pittsburgh’s history, culture and events. Unlike local for-profit news shows, WQED doesn’t do car wrecks and building fires every 30 seconds.
Big Bird: Nor does PBS do hit pieces on yellow-feathered public figures who have one too many at the pub.
Purcell: The truth is, Big Bird, PBS has been so successful that only 15 percent of its total funding comes from the government. Most comes from viewer donations, gifts and corporate sponsorships. It is surely doing something the public likes. So why can’t it execute its business model without taxpayer funds?
Big Bird: Look, man, if you were a business that got $445 million from the government every year, would you give it back?
Purcell: But you could get by without government funding. The Washington Examiner reports that Sesame Workshop has assets worth nearly $290 million. Your CEO earns nearly $1 million a year. Your company and PBS are now working with commercial entities to produce programming for Sprout, a 24-hour commercial channel for children. How is it right to accept $10 million annually from the government when that money is being borrowed, or created out of thin air by the Federal Reserve?
Big Bird: Hey, our $10 million is a drop in the bucket relative to the country’s $1 trillion deficit. Until everyone else on the government dole starts ponying up — big companies, politically connected bunglers and lots of government and quasi-government organizations — I got no problem accepting free government dough.
Purcell: But don’t you care about the debt and deficit challenges facing our country? Nobody likes cuts, Big Bird, but all government programs, large and small, have to put some feathers in the game. Can’t you see that our country is broke and headed for certain disaster?
Big Bird doesn’t answer. The butler returns to the parlor with a fresh bourbon. He places an unlit cigarette in Big Bird’s beak, lights it and tells Big Bird his bath has been drawn. The butler guides me to the front door. The interview is over.
Tom Purcell, a freelance writer, is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Email him at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.
mrconservative posted at 10:33 am on Thu, Oct 25, 2012.
When I was a little kid, I loved watching Sesame Street. Now, if they were to stop making it, I really coudn't care less, especially since they've butchered it with Elmo, my least favorite character. Even Oscar the Grouch is more entertaining tham Elmo.
That's just my opinion, of course. But this "interview" with a muppet is quite pathetic. And drinking and smoking are really unhealthy, even for a made-up TV character like Big Bird. Since he's somewhat cartoonish, I suppose it won't kill him, but it's still not good for you.
Tom Smith posted at 10:12 am on Thu, Oct 18, 2012.
Claiming that cutting funds for Big Bird will help to balance our budget is analogous to Bill Gates attempting to balance his household budget by cutting down on the amount of Q Tips he uses. It's a complete Red Herring. Anyone with a shred of sense knows that Big Bird is not our problem. Funding for public programs is nominal compared to the wasteful military spending (Military is a govt program after all), senseless wars, corporate tax loopholes and the fact that Hedge Fund billionaires are hardly paying a dime back into society. Address those issues and we could fund 100,000 Big Birds (And a Giant Duck) and still be left with a major surplus....not to mention the fact that PBS actually provides something positive to our children. The author is focusing on a drop of water when there is a tsunami 2 miles down the road that he pretends not to see.
Engaged Voter posted at 1:43 pm on Wed, Oct 17, 2012.
I wonder what Sesame Workshop™ is going to think of a published article where one of their most popular trademarked children's characters is described as a tobacco smoker and a drinker of alcohol.
Let's find out, shall we? ;)
Engaged Voter posted at 1:38 pm on Wed, Oct 17, 2012.
Wow.
And here I thought Clint's chair stunt was an indication of his rapidly declining mental health.
If talking to an empty chair is sad and pathetic, talking to an imaginary cartoon character (and making the character a smoking drunk to boot!) would be laughable...if the author was writing a self-hit piece.
Mr. Purcell, might I suggest setting the pipe aside before writing these absurd diatribes? (I'm surprised you didn't have your Big Bird smoking a doobie!)
quietgardens posted at 5:01 am on Wed, Oct 17, 2012.
I thought the interview with the chair was a little dramatic, but a good message. What do you expect from a lifetime actor? The answer to soricobob is, yes, it matters if it is cut. Nobody wants to see Big Bird go, but it has been 40 years of funding. Isn't it time Big Bird grow up and become financially independent? The company is only raking in 130 million dollars a year! That is the American dream, isn't it? Not waiting for Daddy to fork over some more money because you don't want to pay for it yourself.
soricobob posted at 4:30 am on Wed, Oct 17, 2012.
By the same logic, what percentage of the total budget is the State/Federal contribution to; a. education; b. healthcare; c. public safety, and does it matter if it's cut, or can local revenue make up the loss?
JMJ posted at 7:01 pm on Tue, Oct 16, 2012.
This column is just as bad as the empty chair interview with Clint Eastwood.