‘Tis the season in which family problems become magnified. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, thank your lucky heritage. Mixed up in our holiday cheer is nearly always increased strain in relationships. It’s eerie. It begins to build soon after Halloween, kind of like a dust devil that stirs up emotional junk.
Instead of more, is it possible we love less during the very season in which we celebrate blessings, Hanukkah and the birth of a divine infant.
What to do? I’m old fashioned. I believe relatives are ready opportunities for service and growth, provided by a Divine Hand. However, the annual fight or flight mentality ruins many a chance.
A good friend shared the story of stepping into a motivational workshop a decade ago – a workshop on family relationships. Her marriage had been a war zone, her family life a disappointment until she heard this explanation: The term dysfunctional family, (failure to perform as expected), is redundant. They’re one and the same. Thus, families are an instant opportunity to problem-solve, love, change, forgive and support -- the old “practice what we preach” adage. My friend was reborn – happy from that day forward. She now sees through a different prism; depression no longer plagues her. Only her outlook has changed.
Adding fuel to the family scenario, over the past decades, there’s been a dramatic shift in the make-up of families. Barbara Carnal, the creator of the PATCHWORK FAMILY, www.patchworkfamily.com, points out “at least 75 percent of all families in America today are categorized as ‘non-traditional.’” As a wellness coaching specialist, she warns against harmful, negative labels, such as “dysfunction.” Carnal, who works to strengthen the family, celebrates the individual as a patch in a quilt. “Each one is whole itself, and the patch stands for a person's unique self and life story,” she says. “When a person enters a family -- by birth, adoption, or due to divorce and remarriage -- the individual ‘patch’ is not altered or blended. Instead, the patches are joined together to define the family.”
And this is the part I love: “Each person is celebrated as a special contributor, and the family is strengthened by the ‘stitching’ made up of communication, tradition, spiritual life, community service and other ‘threads.’ When the stitching becomes weak, attention is placed on repairing the connections, not necessarily on fixing a person.” In other words, ignore the temptation to make others “just like me.”
She has something there, don’t you think? There’s nothing duller than a patchwork quilt in which the pieces are the same. Instead, if there are weak links, think about tightening the hug – listening better, offering flexibility and dropping judgment. Stretch and grow.
Certainly, there are exceptions. Sometimes it’s too painful to be sewn into a quilt with a patch that clashes with and stresses our very threads. There are absolute times we should say “Enough” to those who destroy personal well-being. But, be careful: A chill can set in when there’s a gaping hole in a quilt.
For those who have lost a loved one, Carnal, who moved several years ago from Scottsdale to South Carolina, suggests adding traditions, in remembrance, while “celebrating what is new.” Find friends “to walk through these days with you,” she says, and, “reach out to others in the same way.”
Like any other challenge, good or bad, plan ahead, but don’t forget in this season of worship, even the most ragged patch needs to find belonging.
By the way, check out Carnal’s latest Patchwork Family publication, "The Poet and The Preacher," (www.poetandpreacher.com.)
samkat posted at 3:53 pm on Sun, Nov 25, 2012.
Linda: Would your devine hand reach out to you and suggest you take in one or more of the 14,800 unwanted children in CPS custody and provide the love and nourishment they are craving not only for the holidays but for the long term? Pass along this suggestion to all of your friends and relatives while you are at it.
Engaged Voter posted at 12:30 pm on Mon, Nov 26, 2012.
Samkat, of course she won't...but she'll pray for them instead. ;)
RubidouxFalcon posted at 3:41 pm on Mon, Nov 26, 2012.
If you don't like her opinion, just don't read it. At least she puts her real name and picture by her thoughts. I think that if you are going to stay anonymous, then you can't be mean. You can have disagreements and intellectual debate, but the attempt to be mean and rude ought to come with sharing your identity.
That way, I know who to avoid at the supermarket.
Do you see how I've disagreed with your approach, without saying anything cruel or mean? It's easy, really.
leftystillfree posted at 11:33 pm on Mon, Nov 26, 2012.
Linda, too bad ther isn't a patch that would fit over your mouthy opinions. By the way, where were you able to find your "old fashioned" plastic surgeon? I didn't know they had face lift technology in the old days.
Engaged Voter posted at 12:54 pm on Tue, Nov 27, 2012.
"If you don't like her opinion, just don't read it."
No. You don't get to dictate your opinions as rules to other people, thanks anyway.
"At least she puts her real name and picture by her thoughts."
Sure thing Rubidoux Falcon...that IS your real name, right?
"Do you see how I've disagreed with your approach, without saying anything cruel or mean?"
Other than denigrating those who use psuedonyms, yourself included?
Yes, I saw. ;)
Bluepoet posted at 7:10 am on Wed, Nov 28, 2012.
Linda, you've finally found your writing subject "niche"! Please, continue writing about family, and quilting-maybe all of those silly notions about social issues and politics will just go away, and be replaced by the potpourri in your desk drawer...
Happy Holidays to the Matriarchs!