So the school year has started again, and the usual pieces of advice have been issued to parents: Make sure your kids get enough sleep; make time for homework; keep in contact with your kids' teachers.
All good ideas, of course.
But here's one we parents might want to consider: Don't worry so much about our kids' happiness.
In fact, we might want them to be uncomfortable sometimes, get them out of their comfort zones, let them risk failure.
Because we as a society seem so concerned about happiness for our kids that, well, we might be ensuring their later unhappiness.
How so?
A recent Atlantic article cited some interesting conclusions from child psychologists at Harvard and UCLA, conclusions like this one: "Many parents will do anything to avoid their kids experience even mild discomfort, anxiety or disappointment - anything ‘less than pleasant' - with results that when, as adults, they experience the normal frustrations in life, they think something must be terribly wrong."
Increasingly, at least from my perspective as a teacher of almost 40 years, parents behave this way.
Whether it's the parent who calls the coach because the parent's daughter was cut from the team, the parent who calls the teacher because the parent's son "worked all night" on an essay only to get a C-, or the parent who asks a teacher for a second chance after the parent's kid got an F on a test, far too many parents hover over their kids.
The result?
According to college admissions officers across the country, those parents are creating "teacups" - young adults so fragile they break down anytime things don't go their way.
And kids who are normally self-centered anyway grow even more narcissistic, which is troubling for them when they escape the protective world their parents try to create for them.
But it's not just parents who have bought into this. Too many schools have, too.
From the give-the-kid-a-ribbon-for-doing-his-classwork to kindergarten/sixth grade/eighth grade graduations (with accompanying parties, of course) to repeated do-overs on tests or assignments, many schools seem to operate under this belief: The less discomfort for the kids, the better. A kind of variation on "Don't worry, be happy."
And that philosophy morphs into this: Don't do anything punitive to students for their lack of effort. We should only be positive. Don't provide negative consequences for poor grades. Let's only reward their successes, even if we have to manufacture them.
While that view might be well-intentioned, it is often insidious as well; it once again insulates kids from failure, from dealing with discomfort. And when they face teachers who do make them uncomfortable, sometimes they shrink from the challenge, confused at what's happening to them. Or worse, they come into class without the work ethic necessary to succeed. And our system often perpetuates that.
The "Don't worry, be happy" philosophy might work for some kids, but not all. Too many in education, however, seem to have adopted the view of the parents mentioned at the beginning of this column.
So as an old, broken-down teacher, I'd like to offer this piece of advice for both parents and schools this year: Let's celebrate students - when they actually succeed at something difficult. Let's not protect students from discomfort; learning to deal with those times will help our kids as they grow older.
We can and should love our kids because they are our kids. But let's separate our love for them from the expectations we should have for them. It's painful sometimes, I know, but facing some minor hardships early in life, well, might make our kids happier later.
• Mike McClellan is a Gilbert resident and former English teacher at Dobson High School in Mesa.
listenertoo posted at 8:15 am on Fri, Aug 12, 2011.
Mike, this is awfully close to the Atlantic Monthly article.
Mike McClellan posted at 8:43 am on Fri, Aug 12, 2011.
Listenertoo, beyond the attribution to the Atlantic article, the direct quote from the article and the the comment from college admissions officers that followed the quote, the rest of the column comes solely from me and my experiences as a teacher.
I'm not sure that's "awfully close." But eveyone has his own opinion.
Carolyn posted at 9:50 am on Fri, Aug 12, 2011.
It doesn't matter of portions came from the Atlantic Monthly OR from Mike McClellan - it is ALLTRUE. Parents of kids like this are responsible for their kids ending up troubled, burdens to society, unable to face reality, and just plain obnoxious.. It hurs NO ONE to be "uncomfortable" (how I've come to hate that term) sometimes; it's part of life.....REAL life.
JMJ posted at 10:18 am on Fri, Aug 12, 2011.
Mike, I just retired from the same district where you also taught. Too many of our administrators in said district were not on board with the philosophy that it may be better in elementary school to suffer the consequences of bad choices or a lack of work ethic on the part of students. Administrators on the school level and the district level almost exclusively supported parents just to placate them. I am of the belief that adversity builds character. Better to "suffer" [it's not like we beat them, seriously....!] a logical consequence and learn from it at an early age, than live in an egocentric bubble where everything one does earns an extrinsic reward. My former "boss" was a complete idiot when it came to manufacturing false self-esteem. So glad not to have to deal with that, anymore. But I miss the students, and they knew I was fair with them.
Dale Whiting posted at 4:22 pm on Fri, Aug 12, 2011.
Let me add a thought or two. We have become a material world. We see our kids asking "what's in it for me" when asked to do something extra. Why not encourage kids to volunteer their time just to help others, where nothing but the satisfaction of helping others is in it for them? I am encouraged to see some college applications soliciting volunteer work. Social fabric is important. And looking out for others strengthens that fabric.
Tookie88 posted at 10:27 pm on Fri, Aug 12, 2011.
As a teacher myself, I too am frustrated by the "helicopter" parents and the district administrators that cater to them. These parents are actually during a disservice to their children by being so overly protective. What kind of adults do they expect them to be??? Leaders??? Visionaries??? Not with all the "helicoptering" going on. Students need to learn to deal with success...and failure. How we deal with failure and challenges is what builds character and defines us as responsible adults.