Parents have it rough these days.
The only drug we knew about in my high school was beer. Now kids are ingesting a bewildering variety of substances nobody ever heard of until lately.
Most of the recent attention has focused on Gilbert high schools, but that’s only temporary. Some other district will be in the news soon with a drug problem of its own.
The reasons are obvious, to wit:
• The Republican Party and the Democratic Party fight over which party is to blame for 9/11 while the bin Laden Party sits in its cave and laughs.
• The Iraq war, having given a whole new meaning to the term "Mission Accomplished," displays all the logic of a Dali painting.
• A deputy federal marshal intimidates two reporters whose only sin was to taperecord a public speech by a U.S. Supreme Court justice. The justice, by the way, had been talking about the wonders of the U.S. Constitution.
• In a world of inequity, warfare and suffering, the loudest whine you hear from rich Americans is how much it costs to fill the gas tank of a 3-ton SUV.
So: When most of the adult population gives evidence of being on drugs, why shouldn’t the kids be?
Still, we can agree this ought to be discouraged. We want our nippers to grow up into smart, well-educated adults who earn their college degrees just in time to see all the jobs in their chosen fields get outsourced to Bangladesh.
The problem, as mentioned, is there are so many drugs that parents — those parents who aren’t on drugs themselves — don’t know how to talk to kids about what substances to avoid. It is as a public service, then, that we provide the following pharmacopeia of little-known but highly potent Valley street drugs:
Torozone: Calms the nerves after high school football player commits sexual assault in class. Warning: May cause blindness when taken by school administrators.
O’Brienase: Prescribed to judges facing high-profile defendants, it makes the judges feel really, really mellow. Warning: Effects wear off when high-profile defendant tries to make cushy sentence even cushier.
Loopator: Mild sedative that inhibits risk-taking on Loop 101. Warning: Can produce hallucinations, making people blame the road, not drivers, for crashes.
Arpaiozene: Appetite stimulant necessary before meals of white bread and green baloney. Warning: May cause law enforcement officers to constantly seek publicity.
Mexinite: Promotes ability to distinguish between illegal immigrants and fifthgeneration U.S. citizens of Hispanic ancestry. Warning: May result in loss of xenophobia.
Propanese: Administered to legislators so when they see a rat hole they don’t try to fill it with tax dollars. Warning: May make money available for schools, social services; we wouldn’t want that.
Cardatol: Powerful anesthetic that dulls pain of endless football defeats. Warning: Now subject to abuse by Suns, Coyotes, ASU fans.