As the curtain mercifully falls on the Most Important Election of Your Lifetime, the nation breathes a collective sigh of relief. Or does it?
Sure, there were enough Byzantine plot twists and darkly rich comic characters to exhaust Dostoyevsky's older smarter brother. And I imagine more than a few of you are barely able to grasp your coffee cup and raise it to quivering lips; tertiary casualties of Election Fatigue. But, now that the votes have been tallied and the results buried deep in Almanac City, you're happier than John McCain in a flag factory.
Then, this column ... is not for you. This is for the millions of us political junkies who feel emptier than a Chrysler SUV showroom. Whose zest for life has faded like the colors of the posters in a video store window, facing west.
Obama's new administration does guarantee a steady stream of politics blaring from the front pages, but far short of the decibel level we've grown accustomed to. Joe Biden undoubtedly will insert his foot in his mouth so often that he should invest in mint-flavored shoelaces to facilitate flossing, but who has the energy to throw his blunders up on YouTube? And if they do, so what? If a faux pas is uploaded and no eyeballs visit, is it really a gaffe?
What I'm saying is, I don't want to live in a world without presidential campaigning. And because I know nobody else will do it, I've put together a snapshot of the field for the next presidential election. Yes, now. After all, Nov. 6, 2012, is only 48 short months away:
Sarah Palin: Inside track goes to Queen of Moosylvania. 4 to 1.
Mitt Romney: 4 more years of craggy and gray might be just the ticket. 15 to 1.
Piyush "Bobby" Jindal: How about changing the change? 40 to 1.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: First we must change the Constitution. No Problemo. 50 to 1.
Tina Fey: She and Sarah could run together on the Doppelganger Ticket. 300 to 1.
Oprah Winfrey: You heard me, girl. 25 to 1.
Dennis Kucinich: Every election needs a mascot. 1,000 to 1.
Ralph Nader: Fifth time's the charm. 315,000,000 to 1.
Will Durst is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles.