The Guy Side: What the recession has taught me - East Valley Tribune: Get Out

The Guy Side: What the recession has taught me

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Posted: Saturday, December 13, 2008 9:35 pm | Updated: 10:34 pm, Fri Oct 7, 2011.

 • The difference between footage of Wall Street suits weeping and personal financial difficulty? Four to six weeks.

• Never wonder what it might be like to be part of a big national news story.

• You can raise alpacas domestically and sell their wool for sweaters!

• Children are slow to embrace any “Santa got mugged” amendment to the Christmas story.

• Spouses who immediately fret the finances during a layoff are a liability; spouses who immediately reassure you are a treasure.

• By the time the pundits sort out whether we’re “headed for a recession,” or “in a recession,” you just want to kill them all.

• When the library is out of “Who Moved My Cheese?” it’s a recession.

• Financial instability has its own start-up costs, like: job training, resume printing, and the steep shipping charges on your alpacas.

• Typing “smart-ass” into a job search engine gives you no leads at all.

• I could write my own ticket if I was a pharmacist, a monkey groomer, or an exotic dancer with experience in Web design.

• Most HOA covenants don’t specifically forbid alpacas. Heh, heh.

• Churches pass their collection plates so quickly, it’s impossible to fish enough out.

• All your family members, whose tiny quirks you endure, turn around and remind you why you love them.

• Seasonal work can be found in live Nativity scenes. But you must bring your own frankincense and a beard.

• How satisfying it is to watch my surly house cat come face-to-face with his first alpaca.

• There are leading economic indicators, like the Consumer Price Index. There are lagging economic indicators, like the prime lending rate. And there are last-person-to-know indicators, like the White House Press conference.

• Some job interviews do require urine testing. But it’s presumptive to offer the urine first.

• Alpacas poop like terriers, stink like gerbils and look like Ringo Starr.

• You learn pretty quickly who your friends are. (They’re the ones who can’t afford to go drinking, either.)

• The twelfth time you hit the sample counter at Trader Joe’s, they remember you.

• Your self-perception will veer wildly, between Wayne Dyer and Willy Loman.

• A cranky alpaca will body-check you like a hockey player if you’re even 10 minutes late with their food!

• The Depression had perky songs like “Keep Your Sunny Side Up,” and “Happy Days Are Here Again.” We have “Bleeding Love.”

• If the “Have you ever been convicted of a felony?” question were an essay, I’d have a much better shot.

• Alpacas don’t just give up that wool. You have to go and get it.

• Depression-era films show you how to jump the boxcar, but offer no suggestions as to why, or what you do next.

• Christmas really is about the love of family and friends. But you’d prefer a thriving economy and the illusion that it’s all about iPods.

• Local police officers have no means of detaining angry alpacas. And absolutely no interest in free sweaters.

  • Discuss

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